I read another joeuser's blog yesterday, and posted a comment which was reciprocated....
God, it is such a relief to know you are not the only one. When your heart gets broken and your universe falls apart, you can feel like you are the only person in the world who feels that way. You begin to resent the world and his dog for getting on and leading a 'normal' existance while you are turning into a psycho-neurotic... you go through the motions, you smile sweetly and nod when everyone tells you he was a total p***k, you mutter the words 'well, its his loss', you do the 'men are a luxury, not a necessity' turn....
And all the time you know, KNOW you are lying, not only to everyone else but more importantly to yourself. Your soulmate has gone...and has taken part of you with him.A part of you that is essential to function as a fully rounded person, a part of you that you don't want back unless he is with it.
The UGB was, and is, an insecure, egoistic, immature, lying, decieving, cowardly git. Part of me wants to just get him in front of me and beat ten bells of crap out of him for the way he hurt me. Part of me just wants to lie next to him and watch him sleep, with that little boy smile on his face.
When we split, he implored me to be his friend, that I was too important to him to lose... despite the fact that he had
a) kept me a secret from friends, family and work for 7 months,
b)trawled the internet for his next/latest bint,
c)slept with her,
d)waited a week to tell me,
e)lied over the space of another week,
f)left me at my lowest ( I was diagnosed with lymphoma the week before he finished it),
And the really stupid thing is, I thought i could do it. I thought I could forgive everything, and be his friend, just to keep him in my life.
And then the doozy came... SHE was being introduced to everyone.
Exit Iva, and lets give a big hand too Kali, the blue, six armed Goddess of vengeance.... have to say I took to the role like a fish to water...Off went the e-mails to every man and his mate... the ex wife too...
I got an e-mail from him saying 'thank you for ruining my life.'. however, I know I didn't, I made it VERY unconfortable for him for a brief period, but I didn't ruin it for him. The UGB is someone who can fall in a slurry and still smell of roses, because he has an amazing ability to make you think it was never his fault.
Then I found out I was pregnant. I won't go into details, but enough to say that I no longer am.
Lets add another character flaw shall we? manipulative.
So, you are probably asking, why on earth do I still want to know? After all, this paragon of virtue (sic) is no great loss (as everyone keeps telling me) and even at my most psychotic I am still a better human being than he will ever be.
Because I recognise his faults, I know him inside out, and I still love him.
We talked about EVERYTHING, we thought the same thing at the same time, we understood without words, everything just 'fitted' from day one. We diagreed but allowed the others opinion without it being a problem, we accepted each others faults, and they became an intrinsic part of the relationship.
I often wonder what would have happened if I had not had my knee jerk reaction. Would I have been able to maintain a friendship, knowing he was with someone else? In any case, I don't really think its open to discussion now.
Don'tcha just hate it sometimes???